Hello Mastin,
Let me first say that TDL has been wonderful for me and the changes I am making in my life. I was introduced to your website by a friend, not because I was in a ?bad place? but rather because she enjoyed my daily post aka ?epiphanies? on FB filled with encouraging and optimistic affirmations. My friend believed that TDL would be something that would be consistent with my current beliefs and that would resonate with my soul. And she was RIGHT!
I am writing you with a beautiful challenge that has been presented in my life. It is that of my current relationship. I want to write this email in the most positive and loving language as I am truly working on not putting any (further) negative energy into The Uni-verse regarding my relationship. Over two years ago I was blessed with the opportunity to re-connect with a past love. My current boyfriend and I met when we were in high school through a college prep program we were both involved in. In this program we were required to stay 6 weeks in the summer on a college campus, living in the dorms and getting a feel for college life. Personally, I hated the program because none of my close friends were apart of it and I felt it took the fun out of my summers and social life. The first summer I was to stay there I cried and begged my parents not to make me go. But then, the second summer (my sophomore year of high school) I met HIM. I was already in a relationship with a boy back home (he and I were together my entire four years of high school) but this boy was my summer love affair away from home. We never did so much as kiss but I had a huge crush on him, as did he on me. One of my fondest memories is of one of our summer dances where he requested the DJ play ?A Ribbon in the Sky? (Stevie Wonder) and we slow danced while he serenaded softly in my ear. I NEVER forgot that night.
Fast forward almost 20 years later my best friend convinced me to open a Face Book account. The second night of my page being active I searched for him, found him, and requested him as a friend. I followed the request with a message explaining who I was (certain that he would have forgotten). The first line of his reply was ?WOW, I was just searching for you last night??. The rest is history?or at least I thought for sure it could be?
?A year later we were living together.
In the 20 years that we were apart many transitions had taken place in our individual lives. I had started college and became pregnant with my first child the first year. I left school (the school that he would enroll in the very next year) and enrolled at a university closer to home. I raised my daughter on my own and developed a very close circle of friends who were also single mothers. By the time I was 25 I had a second child in a second failed relationship and was graduating with my Masters degree in school counseling. Raising two daughters on my own and starting a career proved to be a most difficult yet most rewarding task. I casually dated but never stayed in any one situation for too long (whether it was good or bad). I became known by my friends as a ?runner? or run away bride type. I became very creative in sabotaging relationships. I was in love with love and addicted to the high that the newness can bring BUT once the relationships became ?work? and the euphoria had worn off I was out?falling out of love almost as fast as I had fallen in it.
His life experiences had been much different in that 20 years time. He had excelled in school, graduated with a full scholarship in an engineering program. Upon completion of the program he landed a six figure job with an engineering firm in the city he attended school. He worked there for five years before he realized that he hated it. He left the company and went into business for himself doing photography, visual, arts, and graphic design. His passions. In the time we spent apart he had no children, and had one serious relationship that ended after a year of dating. That relationship ended eight years before me. In the eight years he was single he says he focused on work and building his business. He casually dated but did not want a serious relationship as he saw it as a distraction to his work.
That brings us here to the present and my current life challenge. I AM MISERABLE in my relationship. He and I started off rocky as he was adamant about not wanting a relationship in the first place. However, he later said had it not been for my persistence and refusal to take no for an answer we would have never made it this far. In the beginning we faced many challenges but we had the newness of the relationship to pull us through it. We were wildly and passionately in love. There were many warning signs that we were headed for trouble but we ignored them all because we were IN LOVE and The Uni-verse had granted us this second chance, there had to be a reason!?!
Early on, he was extremely critical of me. He was constantly correcting me on things such as my spelling, my parenting, my driving, my smoking, my laugh (it?s a very loud laugh), how I cut carrots, etc. etc. I thought it was a bit odd but again I was head first, deep in love so, rather than question it, I did what any unaware, blindly in love, woman would do, I internalized it and made it all about ME. I had come to believe that he, with his engineering degree, his play it safe life, and his amazing ability to answer Jeopardy questions (or give questions to Jeopardy answers, however that show goes) was a sure sign that he was smarter and better than me. Of the many things that he would judge me own, my having two children by two different men was one of them (my ability to write that last sentence is evident of huge individual growth). This was a deep rooted insecurity of my own that I had masked for many years with degrees and work and ?I am ?a strong independent woman?. My friends thought I was the strongest, most secure, woman they knew. BUT I was hiding. I secretly hated myself for having two children out of wedlock and I carried a lot of guilt over what my life choices had done to my children. He blew that ?cover? right out of the water. He was constantly asking me how I arrived at this place in my life. He would start out conversations seemingly sincere and interested in my past but then once I would open up to him he would attack. He said in the middle of one of these conversations ?you weren?t the brightest crayon in the box back then?huh??
The irony in all of this, and the reason that I know our lives most difficult circumstances become our biggest teachable moments and those people that irritate us the most become our greatest teachers, is because his attacks on my character became the driving force behind my dealing with my own ?stuff?. I was forced to constantly defend myself to him. Which in turn forced me to defend myself to me. I started to face my insecurity and I began to resolve my issues with my past choices. My self-esteem grew and I was no longer questioning who I was as a person. I forgave myself for whatever it was I felt I had done wrong to my children. I was becoming a better parent, partner, and friend because I was letting go of past baggage and I was free to love. Love myself and love all those around me. I started sharing my growth and experiences on FB through daily epiphanies.
I could never really tell if his critical comments had died down or if because they no longer affected me the same it only appeared that way. Every once in awhile he would make a comment and I would call him out on it which created more of a strain on the relationship. Things hit a halt after a weekend in New York with him and my girls. I had excitedly planned this trip and it was his first time going to New York. I could hardly wait to show him around the city (I have taken my girls on this trip before). The night before we were to leave I was sitting over him and noticed he was reading a message on his phone from another woman. The entire thing turned out to be somewhat innocent but he had reached out to this former lover as she once lived in New York and he was asking her things we could do once there. For me, it put a damper on the trip, however, being aware of the power of my mind, I mentally turned things around in my head and focused back on my excitement. Once we arrived in the city we had many moments of what I can only describe as ?negativity?. For example I would be excited to show him something such as the ceiling in Grand Central Station and he would respond sarcastically with ?yeah, look at the floor?. My entire mood was altered by his energy and by the end of the trip I was DONE! Well, not done, done. The next day at work I Googled about some of the things we were going through and discovered a personality attachment style known as the ?emotionally avoidant?. Every article described what I had been experiencing in my relationship and when I raced home to share it with him, he couldn?t help but to agree.
That was two months ago. We?ve since discussed briefly how his mother was emotionally avoidant, how she was never really affectionate, and how in his family it was important to tell people what they did wrong and there was no real value in telling someone what they do right. In a couples counseling session he told the counselor ?she tells me she loves me at least 10 times a day, and that?s fine and all, but I really don?t see the point?if you tell me on Monday that you love me I assume it?s still true on Tuesday, so rather than telling me you love me everyday why not just tell me when you stop?? We left that counselor because even she seemed to be stumped. We also discussed the effect that his last (and only) real relationship may have had on him (a subject that he is not so comfortable talking about). We started seeing another counselor, this one really good, but couldn?t follow through after the first session due to the financial strain (I am the primary bread winner in our relationship with his business bringing in only enough to pay his personal bills).
Now, I am not sure what to do. We are defiantly at a crossroad. My instinct is to leave but because I still love him and I don?t want to fall into old patterns I stay. We have stopped talking about our issues, in fact we?ve pretty much stopped talking altogether. He said he was feeling overwhelmed with TDL articles, my extremely LONG emails to him about us, and my constant urging to deal with our ?stuff?. He says that he understands the things I am saying but he doesn?t know what to do with it all. I feel as though he is withdrawing and I also feel that my efforts to make him more AWARE of his own issues are resembling the very same judgment and criticism that he has offered me, the non-accepting kind of love that once made me feel weak, low, and unworthy. This is not at all my intention.
I guess in closing what I am seeking is some advice on how to continue with my own evolution and growth while also accepting where he is in his life, even if where he is in life seems to be draining and wearing on me. I make a conscious effort to not allow his energy to affect my own energy but it is very difficult and some days I can?t do it at all. I realize that he needs my love and acceptance more now than ever but some days I don?t feel it?s fair. He is a good man and he would do ANYthing for me and my girls but when it comes to expressing his feelings, showing affection, giving a complement, or tucking my youngest daughter in for bed at night, he can not do it. I feel like we are co-existing, like roommates, there is no passion, no excitement, no emotional support or engagement. Those are things that I have always naturally given in relationships, but now I find myself unmotivated. I grow tired of ALWAYS having to be the one to initiate a conversation, or a hug, or sex. I am becoming resentful that I support him and offer praise and affirmation and do not get that in return. I am starting to fantasize about what it would be like to be with another man. A man who could compliment me and take me dancing without saying he is embarrassed because I don?t have any rhythm. I truly do not know what else I can do.
I started this email by saying I was writing about a beautiful challenge in my life and I say that because I do believe that there is a GREAT lesson in all of this. I have already learned so much. I am certain that we will both come through this as better people whether we stay together or not.
I am not sure who the hell would take the time to read all of this email as I am just now realizing exactly how long I?ve been writing. If I never receive an answer to it, this email will still have served as very therapeutic anyway. Just a way of getting it all out! A cleansing of sorts. However, if you do find yourself at the close of this letter and have any advice to offer it would be greatly appreciated.
I am thankful that TDL has come into my life. Mastin, you have been wonderful for me and for others. Don?t ever stop doing what you do! I have come to believe that there is no pre-determined path we are all walking other than our own individual paths to greatness and being better people. There are many, many paths to that. I am blessed to be on this journey, obstacles and all!
Sending peace and blessings my love!
A TDL Reader
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This was shared with the author?s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you?re going through by sending Mastin an email:?WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com.
Source: http://thedailylove.com/daily-share-love-challenge-2/
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